Tuesday, April 12, 2005

I'm running on empty and I want the old YP back

Not a good day. Not to do with weight loss (or lack thereof) but to do with the side effects. I'm starting to feel as though all life has been drained out of my body. Yesterday I blamed it on a hangover (and with possibly good reason). But I can't still be hungover, can I? I didn't drink that much?

(Yes, sweetie, you probably did. But I digress).

No, I'm feeling a complete emptiness in every limb and in my head. I know it must be because I've not been eating enough, and that losing so much weight in a week because I've hardly been eating isn't the most sustainable way forward, but I can't kick out of it. I look at food, trying to persuade myself to eat carbs to give me some energy, and it makes me feel ill. There's nothing I fancy. I've just managed to make myself eat something, but I didn't enjoy it. I feel sick. And I want to stop feeling like this.

And along with this feeling have come all the nagging doubts I've avoided for so long. I don't want to be this person. Constantly watching what I eat for the sake of a couple of pounds. Caught in a constant yo yo of weight loss and weight gain. Knowing for the rest of my life that if I ever start eating properly again my weight will go back to where it was. OK, that last bit may be an exaggeration, and if I eat sensibly and carry on exercising it wouldn't, but will I? And I'm not meant to be rational when I'm having nagging doubts anyway, so it can stay. I don't want to spend my life like this for the sake of my health when it's making me feel worse than I have for years. I'm sure there's less strain on my heart and my lungs, and there are other benefits, but not at the sake of being me, please.

So to get me through it I'm trying to focus on the compliments. My boss came into work today with her new baby. I've not seen her for two months or so and she said I was looking really good. My wrists are wonderfully slim (why not my stomach? Why am I losing weight from my wrists?). I'm trying to convince myself that if I slow down I can still lose weight, like I did for most of this year, without resorting to extreme exercise regimes or crash diets like I have done in the past week. But I don't know whether I can, not long term.

Is this blip normal? Do you come through it in the end?

Or is it just PMT?


Blogger zennist said...

Please be careful! Your body needs nutrition! One of the biggest predictors of eating disorders is going on a diet. Maybe if you could just try to focus on a healthy lifestyle that you can maintain over time, you won't have the yo-yo weight issues.

I don't mean to be preachy. I struggle with (unrealistic) weight issues myself, so I understand the desire to resort to Draconian measures.

Take care!

8:39 PM  

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