Thursday, April 14, 2005

Odd mood

I've been in an odd mood today. I did a fantastic workout before work and also went for a swim after work. I've been fairly good with my food and didn't drink anything. But there was a work night out tonight and I just wasn't up for it at all. We were going to Jongleurs, which has been planned for ages. I seriously considered not going at all, it was subsidised so I'd only paid £3 in the first place. I was almost more tempted to go to the gym than to go out.

In the end I just went for a short swim and then went up there. And realised how much I hate going out with my workmates. I got there and everyone ignored me. I'm not the most outgoing of people, so find it hard to strike up a conversation with people I hardly know, and most of the people I did know scarcely acknowledged me. Like I walked in with a group of people. The bloke in charge of the tab asked everyone else what they wanted but ignored me. How to make me feel welcome. I wasn't too bothered, as I wasn't drinking alcohol anyway, but it didn't get things off on a good footing.

The same when we moved into the comedy club. He ordered loads of beer and wine. He also ordered soft drinks for a couple of people but completely ignored the fact I clearly wasn't drinking. Bastard. I don't care, my drinks for the night (or the part of it I was there) only cost 50p, and I'm sure I can afford that, but it made me wonder why I went.

I like going out with my friends. I enjoy a good night out. But the bottom line is that the people I work with aren't my friends. When I'm drinking I can have a chat with them and think that I'm enjoying myself more than I probably am, but really I've never really met anyone there who is "my sort of person". Yet I feel obliged to go to these things.

I'd decided not to drink for two rather startling reasons (for me anyway). So I could get up for the gym at 6 in the morning, and because of all those unnecessary calories. I never used to think like this! It's good, just unexpected. And while I enjoyed the first two acts, during the interval I decided that life is just one big compromise and, having spent the first two days of the week with no energy due to excessive socialising, I'd enjoy tomorrow and the weekend better if I left then and had a relatively early night (or early compared to the time it would be had I stayed til the end). I was having a good time, but not good enough to sacrifice my beauty sleep for. Might need to explain that one in the morning. That's if anyone noticed.

The other thing that has been pre-occupying me today is trying to work out what I would look like thin. I honestly have no idea as I've been overweight all my life. I can't visualise success because I don't know what it looks like. Which almost makes me more determined to get there so I can find out.

And finally, I'd like to say goodbye, good riddance and never come back to my "ankle weight". I seemed to put weight on in a couple of specific spells of my life, the most recent of which was when I broke my ankle two years ago. I spent 2 months lying in bed (I had to keep my foot in the air most of the time which kind of limited movement). Worse than that for my weight was the fact that my mother came to stay with me and cook for me for 2 months. Her portions are huge as it is, but every meal, every day, with absolutely no exercise, even walking round the office, I really piled it on. I couldn't do much for a while after that either, and was limping for a long time. Even now my ankle is still swollen, scarred from where I had plates put in it, and painful in the wrong weather and at the wrong time of day. Going to the gym has strengthened it (not as much as the metal I suppose!) and made it more comfortable, but it's still dodgy, which makes my exercise kick more satisfying for me.

Well, this morning I picked up one of my "pre-ankle" suits, put it on and it was looser than it has ever been since. The weight's gone (or has at least been transformed to slimmer muscle). And I don't intend for it to come back.


Blogger TvAddictGurl said...

Congrats on the weight loss. I know how it is to battle the bulge myself.

And I can totally relate with the not wanting to go out with the co-workers thing. The job I quit a year ago, I had the same thing. They could never understand why I didn't want to do things with them after work, but if I did they always ignored me and made me feel like I wasn't really there.

12:16 AM  

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