Saturday, June 18, 2005

Clinging on to the wagon

I can feel myself falling. And I'm scared. Scared of slipping into a yo-yo pattern, of putting the weight I've lost back on, of being fat forever.

It's small things. I buy ready meals instead of cooking. They're still "healthy eating" ready meals, but they're not fresh fruit and veg. I drink for 7 hours. i give into the temptation of burgers and pizza. I eat toast at 11pm because i'm a bit peckish. And deep down I know that, while individually I can get away with this stuff, combined it's "not a good thing".

I've never done this weight loss thing before properly. And the thought going through my head constantly is "what happens when I fall off the wagon. Will I? And how do i get back on it?" I worry that all this is wasted effort because a month or two of junk food will undo all the hard work. And I worry that even if I make it to "goal" (not that i've decided what that is yet), I won't be strong enough to maintain what I've lost.

The thought terrifies me. I don't want to be like this for the rest of my life. But equally I don't want to be thnking about my weight for the rest of my life. I just want to have a healthy lifestyle that doesn't include stuff that will eventually kill me.

I need to stop myself sliding now, but I feel powerless. I know it's up to me, but I can't seem to find that motivation within me that got me through the last couple of months. Maybe I need a couple of weeks to re-find myself when I'm on holiday. But what if I get back and the wagon's left without me?


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