Wednesday, June 08, 2005

The new me

I wrote about the other me last night. And while I don't know the other, permanently thin me, I'm starting to get to know the formerly fat but not any more me. Or what she might be like because of course, I am still fat, not just formerly. But I'm getting there.

I was never unhappy about my weight. And that's possibly what let it get so bad because I never had that point where it made me unhappy and I tried to do something about it. I was happy, so I carried on eating.

But I can see that it did limit what I did, and more and more every day it doesn't any more.

Let's take exercise. Last night I mentioned that I didn't actually mind sport at school, I just wasn't very good at it. I still got picked for school teams that no-one else wanted to be on, but had there been real competition for places I'd have been nowhere near. Let's say I got there on effort not achievement. But what my lack of actual chievement masked for me was the fact that I would improve if I kept at it and got fit. That I could have carried on enjoying exercise after I left school had I not feared the stares of people wondering what on earth I was trying to do at rugby training or whatever.

Let's also take shopping. I've never enjoyed it. For which my bank account is thankful. But now I do. And it can't just be my size. I've been a size 18 before. I was even a size 16 once, briefly, when I moved out of childrens sizes. But my weight seems to be distributed better now, more how clothes manufacturers would like it to be distributed, more toned. And I love trying things on. Maybe it's just because I still get the thrill when they fit, but it's great. Even better than that thrill is when I realise that my new size 18 jeans are actually a tad too big. That really is a thrill.

Let's also take food. One of my friends persuaded me to do a veggie challenge week - go vegetarian for a week. at which point I realised that a lot of the time I actually am, without thinking, and I enjoy it. I like eating fruit, vegetables and salad. I don't have a huge repertoire yet, but I will, surely,, as I try a few more recipes and carry on realising how much better I feel.

I'm feeling really positive at the moment, and I love it. I'm so proud of myself for doing something good for me, and for taking control.

And I promise I'll never let myself go again.


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