Sunday, July 10, 2005

Proud of my scars

I went to a barbeque today with some old university housemate, and wore the size 16 clothes. I love those clothes, they just give me so much confidence! Anyway, when I got them and posted a picture, on here and elsewhere, I got a couple of comments that I was brave to wear a strappy top. Well, I don't see it as brave, and I always have done. Likewise I wear bikinis. I don't hide my body away where no-one can see it.

Let me explain. I wear what is comfortable. In particular bikinis are so much more convenient than a one piece swimming costume I'm willing to take any amount of embarassment. And anyway. A one pice hardly conceals your fat does it? It's still there. it's still perfectly visible. And it's still not anyone else's problem but mine. I will admit that I usually wear a sarong, shorts or a skirt over the bottom half, but I am fine with my bikini top.

Something similar is my ankle. When I first had my ankle pinned a friend at work (the sort who is half your weight but constantly telling you about their latest diet and weight loss kick as though they are the only person in the world trying to lose weight. She's also a little vain) was saying that she'd hate to have scars on her legs. And for a while I agreed with her. They looked ugly. The scar down the outside of my left ankle is about 5 inches long. I also have one on the inside of my left ankle which is smaller, but less well healed. But after a while I realised that I couldn't wear trousers, floor length skirts and/or boots for the rest of my life. My scars are part of who I am, and anyone who has problems with that isn't my problem.

I started seeing my scars in a new way. Instead of being disfiguring, they reminded me of how I beat some of my fears. Having a serious operation. Enduring more pain than I thought was possible. Managing to re-learn how to walk properly. Learning how to walk on crutches. Taking it further, learning to run on my ankle, despite what it had been through. My scars aren't a bad thing, they are a positive reminder of how far I've come, and remind me that I should be proud of what I'm achieving.

So my fat arms, poking out of my top. Well, first of all, they're who I am. If you don't like them, then why does it matter to you? It doesn't matter to me. I wear clothes that will be comfortable, and that will fit my lifestyle. Even if they were covered, then I'd hardly be a size 8, would I? And anyway, what seems to you to be a load of fat reminds me of how much fat that used to be there has now gone. I like being able to see my body, it reminds me of how far I've come. There isn't a day at the moment when I don't look at a random body part and get amazed at how much smaller it is. So my arms aren't a problem for me. They're a reminder of what I've achieved.


Blogger Jude said...

you look great

3:50 PM  
Blogger Kery said...

Funny, I've always felt the same about bikinis, and following the same reasoning - no one piece swimsuit will hide the fat anyway, so might as well wear something I'm comfortable with. At least I won't get out of the water with some horribly clingy wet material glued to my skin.

5:55 AM  

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