Saturday, July 23, 2005

Scared

So, in my new, non-daily weighing plan, tomorrow is the first weigh in. I'm planning to wean myself off by weighing twice a week (instead of seven times) at first, and then down to one. So tomorrow is the day. And whereas before weighing in has been part of my routine, nothing to worry about, now I'm starting to stress about what damage I might have done in the past three days. Realistically, none. I've exercised well, I've eaten well, and there is no way I've done anything that would lead to a big gain. But there's still this whole "what if I could have stopped it earlier, had I known" thing going on, as well as a fear that my "fat" weight will be down, but my water will be fluctuating, and I won't know if my weigh in is abnormally high. It's stupid, I know. What does my weight matter, really? I mean, I know it does in a general sense, but what difference does it make if I'm 1lb more or less than I was last week? Either way I'll be roughly 50lb lighter than when I first started, and I'll still be (roughly) a size 16 (in some shops, at least), so why am I so worried?

One thing I've realised recently is maybe I'm getting scared. I'm in uncharted territory now. Tomorrow one of two things could happen (well, three, but I'll put the first two together). Either I have gained or plateaued, both things that haven't really happened to me before. I'm scared about how I'd deal with that, and whether I'd have the strength to carry on going through it.

But more strange than that, is the strange "fear" that I've lost more. Obviously, I want to have lost more, and maybe fear isn't the right word but I'm painfully aware that I just don't know "how to be thin". I'm as thin as I ever have been in my adult life, and I just don't know what goes on below this weight. What I do know is that my history of obesity has given me mental scars as well as physical ones, and while I can deal with the damage I've inflicted on my body, I don't know whether I can do that with my mind, or not as easily. How do I start to believe that I can be attractive, thin, normal, and that I can stay that way?

I know I'm nowhere near there yet, but at a size 16, people who have known me for years are using the word thin about me. It's all comparative I suppose. Wearing my new Gap jeans today (which aren't technically a 16, but do pull me in nicely), I've had a couple of people marvelling at the new me (and one of those only saw me last week, in some old stuff!). But mentally, I'm still the person who rarely believes that she can be attractive, and that people could be attracted to her.

I know that as my weight goes down I might have to deal with things that I've never had to deal with before. This isn't the time to talk about the whole relationships and sex thing I've got going on (or more precisely the thing that isn't going on), but in the past I've been very happy not to have people hitting on me randomly, and happy to live my life hiding behind a veil of fat.

As that protective layer comes off, I won't be able to hide behind that any more. And that scares me. I don't know how I'll be able to deal with looking like a normal person, but thinking like a fat one. I don't know whether I can stop thinking like a fat person. I don't know whether I'll be the same person as I always have been. So, even though I want those scales to be down in the morning, I know that each time they drop, I'm taking another step towards that uncharted territory, and a whole new adventure.

3 Comments:

Blogger Robin said...

Good luck on your weigh in...either way just take it in stride.

11:54 PM  
Blogger Fatslayer said...

YP, you hit the nail on the head - looking like a thin person but thinking like a fat one.

I think learning to feel attractive will be one of the hardest parts of the challenge - it runs contrary to a lifetime's self-perception.

Eventually, though, you'll recognise what everyone else has known all along - that you're an attractive, foxy woman, who's intelligent, thoughful and kind into the bargain.

Sheesh! You'll be fighting the guys off with a stick!

10:59 AM  
Blogger Portuguese Washwoman said...

Goodness, this all sounds so familiar. I know that fear, too. And in my case, being overweight has given me an "out" in a lot of situations (dating people my parents would expect me to date, etc) and like you, I'm getting close to uncharted territory. The only way I'm dealing with it right now is by giving myself permission not to change at all, emotionally. It has helped me to think, "I don't like going out to parties to be hit on now, and I won't like it when I lose 40 more pounds." The fat was, for me, my way of hiding my personality, and I have found out that even with some of the weight shed it's still important for me to honor my intrinsic personality. So if that means that I want to come home every night and read a book then I will. I don't know if that makes sense, but it has helped me. Of course, we're all different, and i hope you find ways that will help with your journey. Good luck!

4:56 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home