Friday, July 29, 2005

Shrinking Violet

So, I'm at home alone on a Friday night. To be fair, it's not a regular occurrence, but that's because I usually have a game to go to, rather than because I'm having a big Friday night out. I'm just not really into that sort of thing, and never really have been.

I've always been the quiet one. At school, at university, at law school, at work. I've not been one for partying or socialising, and I've tended to hide, unnoticed, behind my fat blanket. When I go out, I end up standing in the corner, lost for words and for witty replies, not having the confidence to really get to know new people.

It's part of the fat girl mentality to some extent, I think. Or at least my fat girl mentality, I suppose it affects different people in different ways. I've always associated fat with unpopular, and even though I know many lively, bubbly fat people, I've never been that way for myself. I have friends, of course. But not best, drop everything, friends. I've rarely had a true partner in crime who would bring me out of myself. The closest I had to that is an old uni friend, but since she moved away from Leeds a couple of years ago, we've started to drift apart a little.

I'm such a different person online to off it. Online I talk, I open up, and I let people get to know me a little. Off it, I struggle to find words, or the confidence to express myself, and I don't dare let anyone get close. Most of the time this doesn't actually bother me. I actually like peace and quiet, rest, and space to myself. I don't need to be constantly surrounded by other people to make me happy. But sometimes, I wonder who will be there to catch me when I fall. I wonder if I might have a more fun time if I let myself enjoy myself unconditionally from time to time.

And as the fat comes off I realise that I can't hide behind my fat girl mentality any more. It's no good hiding behind the fat = unpopular excuse. As the fat starts to disappear, all that's left is me, and it's time to start being who I am rather than hiding myself away behind my own pre-conceptions.


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