Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Back on the treadmill

Well, a lovely weekend off, but I'm back at it today. A 10k run this morning, better eating and no alcohol for 24 hours now. I'm hoping for a big 4 weeks before Mum comes back over here, and to kick the ass of what seems to be turning into a plateau at 199. I hadn't quite hit 200 this morning, but I'd not gone down (ha ha) over the weekend either. Maybe it's all water...

At the moment I'm trying to refocus my efforts. It sounds strange to say it, but I need to start hating myself a little more again. I've come so far that there's this great temptation to dwell on how well I've done, how much better I look and feel, how much smaller I am. But I'm coming to realise that I shouldn't let myself feel "good" at this weight and size for too long. Yes, it's a lot better than 260, but 199 is, quite simply, too heavy, even for someone tall and with supposedly heavy bones.

I'm trying to look forward and work out where my inspiration and motivation is going to come from to start this whole thing moving again. Basically, if I like myself at this weight, how am I going to persuade myself that I need to be smaller? And if I do get down to 160lb, how am I going to stop myself putting it back on if I keep that fat girl mindset that 199lb is actually quite good.

I need to start thinking like a thin person. I need to start seeing size 16 as big, rather than the smallest I've ever been as an adult. I need to really see the fat on my stomach and appreciate that I'd be better with it gone. I need to start a healthy but critical focus on my many flaws, at the same time as appreciating the good things.

I'm not saying that I want to descend into a pit of self-loathing. I tried very hard at 260lb to find the balance between hating my body enough to want to love and loving myself enough to think I was worth it, and all I need to do is to re-set that balance. I need to remember that where I am is only an achievement because of where I came from, and that I need to focus on getting to a healthy weight, rather than a weight that's simply a bit less crippling. I still want to recognise my achievements, but I want to start focussing on where I want to be a bit more, rather than on the fact I'm not who I was any more.

I don't know if this makes sense to anyone apart from me, but I'm convinced it's going to be useful to try to think like a "normal" person rather than a formerly obese one. A "normal" person might not be happy at this weight, so why should I be? I need to kick on, and kick the fat girl thinking.

And I'll be back on that treadmill in the morning, trying to do just that.

4 Comments:

Blogger Portuguese Washwoman said...

I'm going through much the same thing right now with my weight. Suddenly I'm fitting into old clothes and feeling wonderfully fit and last week I found myself slipping into Maintenance mode. That wouldn't be such a bad thing if I didn't have another 30 pounds to lose. I too am looking for my new motivation, and I think (for me) it's going to be training better to run better. I envy your 10K! I'm on a 10K training plan and am only at 3 miles right now, but I look forward to the day when I can do 7 without wanting to die.

9:26 PM  
Blogger kathrynoh said...

I think that when you lose weight you go through periods of adjustment - you have to get used to living in a whole new body. It can be easy to slip into the mindset that you look fine so an extra treat here and there won't matter. But you seem to be doing the right things, I'm sure the rest of the weight will come off

9:43 PM  
Blogger Paige said...

You make complete sense to me. I'm only 5ft, medium frame, I've gone from a size 16 to an 8. I've never worn that size in my adult life & think, "gee, that's tiny!!" but then I look at other 5ft 'normal' people and realize that an 8 isn't that little. Lord knows I'll never think a size 2 is appropriate, but a 4 or 6 would probably be ok.
Anywho, I'm right there with you on needing to get past the cocky phase, and move towards the smaller healthier things in life. Good Luck!

9:52 PM  
Blogger Special Lady said...

I so know what you are saying. I am still in the I can't believe I am this small mode and the continuous compliments don't help. Especially when I am not doing what I am suppose to. But I can't help it the last time I saw a size 14 I was 11 years old. That is more than half of my life over 200lbs. The funny thing is now is the only time I have ever thought that I could get smaller. So kudos to you for starting that next phase of your journey, you can be normal too. Good Luck!

6:46 PM  

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