Friday, August 19, 2005

Big in Finland

I blogged about the whole sex (or lack thereof) thing a while back. One thing I do, on and off, is talk to journalists about it, as there seems to be growing interest in this sort of stuff. Kind of "my really dull story about not having sex". Except I always talk, and then realise I really don't want to see my name, my photo and such personal information about me in print for all and sundry (and the office juniors) to read.

But I think I'm safe on this one, I've been speaking to a journalist who's writing a piece for a Finnish magazine. I don't know any Finns. I've never been to Finland. I don't even know anyone who speaks the language. I think I'm safe. It sounds like this one's definitely going ahead, they're sending up a photographer from London next week, and I'm being all forthcoming because, well, Finland. Not high risk. I don't think.

But more interesting than the story is the fact that for the first time in my life I'm kind of looking forward to having proper photos of me taken. I'm hoping to persuade the photographer to let me have copies, so convinced am I that they'll be the best photos of me for many a year.

It's taken me a long time to get to the stage where I can think "I don't have any need or desire for a sexual relationship at the moment, maybe I never will, and that's OK". In the past I've had recurring doubts, maybe it's just that I'm fat and ugly, maybe I'm a freak, maybe it's all my fault. I know, rationally, that it's not true. I know that I've been in relationships, or had opportunities to get myself out there and actively turned them down. I know that there are people out there who are bigger than I am but who have found loving fulfilling relationships. But still, I've constantly wondered whether I'd be any different if I was thin. And the thought of doing a magazine article and imagining people picking it up, looking at the picture and thinking "well, that explains it" isn't exactly appealing. Even once I became comfortable with how I am, the thought that other people might interpret it differently was kind of offputting.

But now, I know that I actually brush up OK, and I'm more confident in myself. I'm happier to put myself out there and say, you know, I'm perfectly normal, I'm attractive, intelligent, confident, and I just have different needs and desires to the majority of people.

And I've just realised that this post seems really shallow. That I have some sort of belief that people will only take what I say seriously if I look right. Maybe I'm being overly sensitive, I don't know. But I'm hoping to get my hands on those photos so that I have a properly taken marker of my progress.

I'll just have to remember not to go to Helsinki for a while...


Speaking of Scandinavia (vaguely), I need to get my holiday addiction sorted out. It's even worse than the shopping addiction! Now it looks like I might be squeezing a weekend in Oslo into my already crowded October. And I might start getting something I have for very few of my past holidays. Photos of me, there, rather than pictures of the place I'm going, with me firmly behind the lens rather than in front of it.


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