Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Challenging my Misconceptions

I've been going back through some of my old photos tonight. The problem I'm coming across is that there aren't very many of them at all, I've always been very camera shy (although I'm currently racking up a load of progress photos for my own personal consumption). But I'm starting to notice something from the old photos.

I wasn't always as fat as I thought I was. I've just come across a photo of me in my second year at university. I looked amazing! I thought that my current weight was the thinnest I've ever been as an adult, but after seeing that photo I'm not so sure. You could have cut things with my collar bones. I have a couple of photos of me when I was about 15. I was chunky, but not the whale I always thought that I was. It's funny, that I always thought I was really fat, until I actually was really fat, at which point I started to ignore the problem and think I was the same weight as I had been before...

Looking through the photos I can also see when the weight arrived. Studying in America may have been a fantastic experience for me, seeing loads of new places and experiencing new things, but it sure as hell wasn't a fantastic experience for my waistline. I didn't come back as a whale, but a year after the fantastic collar bone picture there's a photo of me wearing almost exactly the same clothes, and you can't half tell the difference. I wish I had them now to take an update photo...

But that wasn't the main weight. In my graduation photos you can see I've got chunkier, but I'm nowhere near where I ended up. The photos of me slow from a trickle to an almost complete absence at this stage, other than a series of four taken a mere week or two before I joined the gym last July (which I will reveal at some point when I get the courage). But I'm fairly sure that starting to live alone properly, and the inactivity caused by my broken ankle got me where I ended up.

What I'm trying to do is to challenge the voices which say "you have always been fat, you will never be thin". Sure, I've never been thin, as such, but I'm trying to convince myself that when I was about 19 I wasn't too bad, and could have gone in one direction or the other fairly easily. Just because I ended up on a temporary detour on the fat route doesn't mean I'm stuck on it. I've turned round, and one day maybe I will become the thin person I was closer to than I thought.


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