Saturday, August 13, 2005

Is this really me?

I went for a swim this evening. That was a change in itself, not only being sober enough at 8pm on a Saturday night to drive down to the gym, but doing some exercise on a Saturday night. I suppose I should really be out partying somewhere, but I've never been that sort of person, and it seemed like a better bet than sitting alone in front of the tv being tempted by food all evening.

I sat in the jacuzzi afterwards, and did my usual feeling my body thing under the water (that sounds saucier than it's meant to...). I put my hands towards my arse and it's not where I expect it to be. It's far smaller and more shapely than I think, and I sometimes need that hand-arse contact to remind me. And my thighs. If I feel them in the right way they almost feel thin and muscular. Obviously that's if you ignore the fatty layer on top of the muscle, but there are signs of something good there. To put it another way, they just don't feel like my thighs or my arse. They feel like someone else's, and it gives me a shock (as well as a thrill!) to feel them there.

I'm so thrilled that I can now feel the difference in my body for myself, not relying on other people seeing it or just going by the fit of my clothes, but genuinely seeing it when I feel myself and when I look in the mirror. It makes every second of hard work seem worthwhile, and it reminds me while I'm doing this.

The gym was quiet, so I stood naked in front of the mirror in the changing room. I love looking at my body now, it might not be perfect, but it's a kind of trophy reminding me of what I've achieved. So I need to remember that whatever the numbers on the scale, it can't take away from me what I've done.


Blogger kathrynoh said...

I love going swimming on Saturday nights when it is lovely and quiet. There is something so tranquil about swimming in the pool when it's almost empty.

I used to have a fat roll around my hips at the back and I'd always rest my hands on it and I always forget it is no longer there and try to put my hands on it and get a shock every time.

6:39 AM  

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