Sunday, August 07, 2005

Just say no

Why on earth do I have such trouble with such a small word? Why can't I turn down food that I don't even want to eat?

I was staying with my grandparents over the weekend. I had some healthy food in my bag to turn to in my hour of need, I know that the food choices available at their house aren't the most nutritious, should we say. I thought I'd planned better this time, and that I'd be able to take control of my eating.

More slabs of refined carbs? Oh, go on then.

It's as though I feel like it's rude to turn it down, that saying "no, I have a healthy and nutritious snack in my bag", is an insult to them, saying that their food isn't good enough for me any more. That they're not good enough for me. It wouldn't be so bad if the food offered was stuff I really liked, that I'd been craving. It wasn't. It was food that I'd never normally touch, not because it's "banned" but because I just don't like the taste any more.

And the chip incident. I didn't even order chips with my lunch today. The menu clearly said it shouldn't come with chips (as you had to pay extra for them). What was on the plate, yes, a huge pile of chips. I've recently discovered that I don't even really like chips. So did I leave them untouched on the plate? Of course not. The old "clear your plate to please someone" mechanism is still going strong clearly. Actually, I didn't eat all of them, which was a start. But as I didn't orer them, and didn't want them, why did I eat any of them?

And this is part of how I got obese. It's not from eating fast food or takeaways every day. It's not entirely from scoffing chocolate (maybe some of it, but not all...). It's not from being completely inactive. It's from not standing up for myself and not looking after myself. From eating things I don't enjoy because it helps me to avoid confrontation, to avoid being like my (thin) sister who used to have no-end of mealtime rows with my parents when she wouldn't finish her food. From trying to show affection by accepting food.

Yes, this is lovely. Thank you (and love me forever).

In all honesty, my eating wasn't that bad over the weekend. I did exercise some self-control, and anyway, one thing that I'm trying to work on is making sure that I don't get too hung up on what I'm eating. I don't want to be some sort of obsessive who will only eat certain things and make their friends lives hell when they meet up for something to eat. I want a healthy, balanced approach to food, and an understanding that eating something that I wouldn't normally eat isn't the worst thing I could do. I've never had any real food hang-ups, and I don't want any. So there's nothing I'm beating myself up about too much.

But it just still annoys me that I could have eaten so much better than I did, and that I didn't even use my indulgence for food I enjoy, but for nutrient-free rubbish that I didn't even want,


Blogger kathrynoh said...

It is so hard around families. I went to stay with my mum a few months back and it was so hard to not to eat. She wasn\t even pushing me to eat, I just fell back into childhood eating patterns automatically.

4:12 PM  

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