Thursday, August 25, 2005

Missing

I seem to have gone missing a bit this week. I've just not been able to assemble my thoughts into anything worth reading, and combined with my mother (who doesn't know about this blog) being here I've not really got down to it.

The scales aren't playing ball at the moment. After that last rush down to 199 10 days ago, I seem to have stalled, and even started going backwards. I got to a low of 197 (although my lowest on an "official" weigh-in day was 198), then seemed to shoot back up to 199.5. I'm not calling it 200. And I'm not weighing on Sunday this weekend because I'm away, so there will be no "official" weight, and therefore no "official" gain… Logically, those last few pounds from 204 to 199 came off in such a rush that I ought to be glad that my body is stabilising, not losing too fast, and that I'm at least still under 200 (just!), but I find it so frustrating to keep on seeing numbers that I saw 10 days ago. Or at least when they're still too high, I hope I could cope with seeing a nice low number for the rest of my life if and when I finally get there!

Everything's getting a bit messed up this week. My mother's here so I'm eating out more, and eating stuff that she prepares in the evenings. And because she just decides to use my car every day this week (she doesn't even ask, she assumes, but that's another rant) my gym time is cut down significantly. I have to leave the house 10 minutes earlier than when I drive so that I can catch the bus, and I get to the gym nearly 20 minutes later. It's the little things too, like the fact it's harder to get near the computer to get some online support because she's always sitting at it. She takes the car and I suddenly realise I can't get to the supermarket to get myself something healthy to eat. I can't spend all Saturday and Sunday morning at the gym. I keep telling myself that most of what I eat, during the day when I'm at work is still right, and I am still exercising, but combined with a mini plateau (even though that might have happened anyway) I'm just feeling like I'm a bit off track this week. I know that this is how it all went wrong last year. Not quite yet, but in late September/early October she tends to come back to the UK for three weeks (and she is doing again this year, in three or four weeks time), and that's precisely when last year's fitness/weight loss kick came grinding to a halt, until January this year. I'm not even convinced it's the scale that's getting me down this week, it's the fear that I won't be able to handle those three weeks again this year and that I'll fall off the wagon. Well, maybe the scale isn't helping, the thought that if I can put 3lb on in less than a week (and logically, I haven't - I've not eaten that much so at least some must be water), how am I ever going to cope if and when I get disrupted for longer than that.

We're going away for cup final weekend, so no doubt there will be lots of meals out, lots to drink and not much exercise. I'm taking my gym stuff, but I don't know whether I'll get to use it. I might try to go for a run round Cardiff, or see how much a day pass to the gym near the hotel is (there's apparently a discounted rate), but realistically I'll just get that guilt trip "I can't leave her sitting in a hotel room on her own" feeling and put what other people want above what I need again. There has to be some sort of balance somewhere, but I keep on feeling like I'm constantly letting people walk all over me, giving them exactly what they want with no consideration for my needs.

I suppose this is the downside of living on my own most of the time. I get so used to being able to be completely selfish and controlling about what I do and what I put into my body, that the difficulties caused by slightest outside presence seem to get magnified tenfold. I don't have to learn balance as part of my day to day life, so it's harder to manage it when I have to do it for a couple of weeks. This whole thing shouldn't have to be all or nothing. Not that it is, anyway, I'm not 100% strict with myself at the most on track of times. But once I get past the amount of slack that I usually allow myself, that's when the trouble starts.

From experience, I know I feel like this from time to time. I've got through it before without falling completely off track, and I just need to get through it again. I have all the arguments in my head to make me feel better and even though I believe them, I'm just not quite on top form. Maybe it will be good to be away from the scales for a few days (although my inner pessimist is convinced that they will be back over 200 when I get back) and just focus on living for a while. I'll be meeting up with people I've not seen for months, and I've got a lovely work in progress body to show off to them, so why not just enjoy that for a while. After all, is there really a huge difference between losing 60lb and losing 63lb? Not at all. Without a scale you'd probably never notice. I can get back on track when I get back, and take it from there.

I definitely won't be near a computer (and probably won't be near a gym) before Monday, so don't send out the search party unless I'm still missing beyond that. Then feel free to kick some sense into me if I'm still feeling down.

1 Comments:

Blogger tim said...

Hey BAGB, I blogged over from Cheeky's, and i have to say, you look great and hang in there. It is always peaks and valleys so ride thru the slowness and continue on, your losses will begin again.... You are doing great....
v/r
tim m

2:02 AM  

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