Monday, August 08, 2005


People have been using the T word at me again. "Look at how thin you're getting". As ever, a compliment sets off all that insecurity about my body and my weight loss.

No, I think, size 16 and 204lb isn't thin. And if it looks it, how fat must I have been before? Oh my god, I must have been the fattest person in the world if you think I look thin now.

But then, sometimes I see it. I'm lucky, I suppose. I'm tall, and I carry my weight relatively well. I can wear sizes that I maybe shouldn't even dream of wearing at this weight, and I wear them properly, not bursting at the seams tight. And sometimes, just sometimes, I catch sight of myself in a mirror or a window, and I see it. I see someone relatively fit, healthy and, yes, thin, looking back.

It all depends how you see thin, really. Compared to someone really, really thin, seeing thin in an absolute, you are, or you're not sort of way, I'm not. But in a relative, look how my body's changed, sort of way, yes. I'm thin(ner).

And I kind of like that second way of looking for it. Looking at thin in a not an ounce of spare fat way, always comparing to other people, will I ever allow myself to see a thin person looking back from the mirror? You can always be thinner, but is it worth the effort, and is it healthy?

But in a more relaxed way, I can be thin. Thin for me, and thin for my body rather than someone else's. And I'm getting more confident that I will be.

When I first started this, I was aiming for modest goals. Not to be quite so fat. I had ambitious tickers, of course, but I had no conception of what I'd look like when I got there. Maybe all I could ever hope for was the fairly chunky me of university, I really had no idea. But with about half the journey gone, I'm starting to see the shape of my body under the fat, and I'm starting to really believe that "not quite so fat" isn't the most I can hope for. I'm starting to believe that I really can aim for thin, and more importantly, to accept myself as that when I get there.


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