Saturday, September 24, 2005

Time for a break?

I've started so many different posts today, trying to explain the mixed up stuff that's going on in my head. What it boils down to is that I want to stabilise my weight at about this level for a while before trying to take this any further.

I've kind of been pushed into the decision anyway, my mother's coming to stay with me for 3 weeks, and while she's very supportive when she's talking about my weight loss, her actions when she's cooking or suggesting places to eat don't necessarily always back that up. To be honest, I'm at a stage when I don't want to try to fit all my relationships with other people round my relationship with food, and I want to go with the flow a bit and relax for a while.

I don't mean relax entirely. There's no way I'm intending to go back to how I used to live for three weeks. I'll be trying to introduce her to a couple of easy healthy changes to her lifestyle, and I'll still be exercising. But I won't be quite so in control as I like to be, and I'm not expecting to actually lose.

Add in four days in Marrakesh in a couple of weeks time, then an all day drinking session in Manchester with friends the week after, and I'm not going to have any overambitious targets at the moment. If I lose that will be fantastic, but if I don't then maybe it's what I need.

Recently I've started getting the negative thoughts back in my head. "Do you really think that you can maintain this, face it, you're doomed to be fat", "what on earth have you done to yourself that you drag yourself out of bed at 7.30 on a Saturday morning to go for a 7 mile run?", all the old doubts that hadn't been around for a while. I'm heading into the unknown now. Even size 14 is a place I've never been before, so each pound that comesof now is a step into new territory. I don't think I've quite got my head round the magnitude of what I've achieved.

Reading my posts for this week I can see that sub-text. I'm tired of being the person who's losing weight, and I'm somewhat disillusioned as to what a size 14 body looks like. I realise simultaneously that I need to work even harder, and that I want to have more in my life than just weight loss. That's a double whammy of conflicting emotions that's messing round with my head a bit. It's hard to reconcile the new me with what I remember the old me being. While I love the new me to bits, there are odd moments of nostalgia. I was happy when I didn't think about my weight, or at least when I didn't know what my weight was.

I seem to have dropped incredibly quickly from 205 to 189, and maybe I need some time for my brain to catch up with my body. I've felt like this before, and come back far more refreshed from a break. Maybe that's what I need to do now.

I'm not saying I'm giving up. This morning I went for an amazing run, my longest outside run ever, and probably at the quickest pace too. I went for a 30 minute swim this evening too. My eating hasn't been bad all day, and for the most part it won't be bad when mum's here. I can still eat breakfast, lunch and my afternoon snack when Im at work in the same way as I always do. One meal a day, it's hardly going to send me back to where I started.

Unless I do what I did last year. She came over, I stopped going to the gym (because at the time I didn't want to publicise the fact that I was trying to lose weight, I wanted to keep it to myself until I knew whether I'd stick to it). I didn't get back to the gym on a regular basis until January this year. I'm not going to do that this year. I'm going to carry on being fairly sensible, but take the pressure off a bit.

So maybe "break" isn't the word, maybe it's more of a maintenance practice. I'm not going to consciously try to lose, but I'm determined not to gain. But I'll try not to think about my weight qute so much. And I won't be blogging as much either, I'll have more limited access to the computer anyway, but trust me, I'll be back.


Blogger B said...

Hmmm, while I never advocate a "break", I do completely understand the need to relax a bit from time to time. Sometimes it can all just be too much. Sick of caring what the calorie or fat count of the food you're eating is, sick of killing yourself to keep up with a sometimes inconvenient exercise schedule. I remember a time just before I got to goal that I was so over this healthy living stuff, I wanted no part of it. I just wanted to live like a "normal" person. But the problem is, I had no idea what "normal" was. It certainly wasn't binging on gallons of ice cream or whole pans of brownies like I had before. I had to find a "new normal", one that allowed me to loosen up on my new weight loss obsession, while continuing to work towards my goal. So, I can totally understand the burn out, and perhaps allowing yourself to maintain for a few weeks will be just the break you need to relax and regain your focus. I hope you enjoy your time with your mum, and are able to come back to this with a brand new sense of determination and resolve.


8:02 PM  
Blogger Noames said...

I followed the link from Dietgirl here, and have been devouring your archives ever since. First of all, congrats on all you've acheived. You make it seem so easy. :) And congrats on all the running--I recently discovered how much I like running, and it's been fantastic.

Anyway, it sounds like you have a really good, entirely realistic plan for handling the next few weeks. You seem like you have such a good head about all of these issues--it's comforting to read.

11:29 PM  
Blogger kathrynoh said...

A break sounds like a good idea. It would be good to know how you go with it.

3:14 AM  
Blogger Soul Searching said...

Wow, sounds like you've done great so far! Such inspiration! I'm trying to turn myself into a runner, and I'm getting a lot of resistance from my thighs :)

4:45 AM  
Blogger chaos said...

Maintence practice sounds like a really, really smart idea, actually. Perhaps one that more of us should take up. The number of people that regain the weight that they lose shows us that losing weight is the easy part and maintaining is the hard part. And if maintaining is harder than losing than I need to start practicing right now. Congrats on all the good work!

6:16 PM  
Blogger Kykaree said...

As you probably know, I have a break every two months, I exercise like I normally do, but relax my eating a little. I still have a healthy breakfast and evening meal or lunch, but relax one of those meals and allow a few snacks.

It's great. I didn't like the idea first when it was suggested to me by my gym instructor, but as he rightly said, my life now is about balance, and you can't spend your whole life dominated about what you can and can't eat, sometimes you just have to go with the flow.

I'm sure you'll be fine and fabulous, and I bet, knowing you, you accidentally lose anyway!!! Perhaps I'll catch you up, I remember a time when we weighed the same, but you sprinted ahead of me (pun not intentional!!!)

9:35 PM  

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