Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Is it 'cos I'm cool?

Oh, what a change. I'm now the cool solicitor, the role model for trainees across the firm. And I still feel like a fraud.

First Friday drinks today (on a Wednesday), and for a change I was drinking because I didn't have the car anyway. So I went along and went with the flow. Whereas in the past I'd have been on the edge of groups, not daring to join in for the fear of being "too fat" to be accepted, today I was right in there. The life and soul of the party. As it were.

I realise that, no matter how much I envy the trainees their relative youth or their enthusiasm, they are in awe of me to an equal extent, the way I was in awe of 2PQE lawyers when I started here. But the difference is that I come across (god knows how) as vaguely cool and grounded and, god forbid, relatively normal. Compared to other lawyers at least.

So there I was, lapping it up, feeling popular, organising my brand new Spanish conversation group with a couple of people who want to learn Spanish but aren't ready to sign up for a course, plugging my upcoming training sessions (borne out of a desperate need for CPD points before the end of October) and generally playing the role of someone who has their life sorted out (if only they knew).

And then a couple of secrets slip out. First of all the fact that I'm younger than half the trainees. Where on earth did my early 20s go and why did I waste them on this? I have trainees who are two, three, four years older than I am, and I'm 2 years qualified. Why didn't I drink my way round the world like they did? So, that comes out. Then the barman of all people comes over to me and goes on about how he would hardly recognise me. So I have to admit to people who have only met me within the past couple of months that I may have lost a certain amount of weight. Erm, about 5 stone. Or a little more, possibly. And not that I spent THAT much time in the pub before, honest.

There goes the air of cool, straight out the window.

Never mind, it's hardly a state secret the number of people who have seen it happening, but I like to cultivate the image that I'm just normal, rather than "formerly obese". I want to put that behind me, and the more people who don't know about it, the better as far as I'm concerned.

And I'm drunk, so may delete this in the morning...

4 Comments:

Blogger Jude said...

No deleting. I think you're cool and a bit scary as you are a lawyer and much younger than me.

12:31 AM  
Blogger Kykaree said...

I agree, don't you dare delete this!!! You make very valid points, even when drunk!!! "Make me normal" is my catchphrase, and how can you be normal when people keep dredging up what you were like before.

A well warranted whinge.

7:58 AM  
Blogger K said...

No, honestly. I did a lot of messing around in my early twenties, and now feel that I'm older than most people at my stage in my job, and with nothing to show for it. Some of your trainees probably feel the same.

And I have a friend who lost a lot of weight before I knew her, and it's really hard to picture her heavier. Also, most people would be in awe of anyone who lost five stone. I think most would be thinking "Wow - I only need to lose a stone (or whatever) and I can't do it - how impressive is that?"

I think nobody is normal from their own perspective. Or if they are, they worry about being boring.

11:03 AM  
Blogger B said...

Isn't it interesting what kind of personas we can adopt when the people we're with don't know our past histories? So, what I want to know is, were you truly being yourself, or were you being the girl you always fancied yourself to be, were she not buried under a layer of fat?

Beverly

P.S. I think you're pretty cool too!!

10:19 PM  

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