Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Moving On

Something seems to have finally clicked over the weekend. I think I've got to a point where I can start looking at other stuff in my life other than my weight, and start to make plans about who I want to be.

I've been focussed on the physical aspects of me in a fairly concentrated way since the early part of the year, and while I've had fantastic results, and I don't regret a second of it, the rest of me seems to be slipping into the background and I want to get it back out into the open. If you look at a person, weight shouldn't be their defining feature, and there are so many other things about a person that are worthy of note. That's one of the things that annoys me about this whole process, the fact that all people want to talk about is my weight rather than all the other things that make me "me".

But, to be completely honest, over the past few months there seem to have been getting fewer and fewer of those other things. I still travel, and I still watch the rugby, but sometimes it seems like all my other "big plans" have been lost in my determination to get fit and once and for all do something about my weight. I go to work, I go to the gym, and I collapse at home at the end of the day. I don't go out drinking, and I don't meet people. Put simply, I've become far too dull, and now I want to get my life back.

This is a good time to do it, too. I've finally got my confidence back and I'm happy that I can now walk into a room and have people judge me for me rather than my size. Maybe they wouldn't have judged me for my size before anyway, but I always worried that they would and it was my own fears rather than the actions of other people that was the problem. Now, no such worries. If I meet new people they need never know about it unless I tell them.

Over the weekend something clicked. Visiting my godmother was fantastic, she is the person I've always wanted to be. Strong, single, independent, capable, good at her job and with a fantastic group of friends. Who are also mainly strong, single, independent and capable. She's a fantastic role model for me and I love her to bits. She's managed to create a life for herself that doesn't rely on husband and kids, and she's who I want to be.

It struck me that she hasn't got that life because that's just what happens when you're single or because she's lucky, she's got that life because she's worked at it as much as her career, meeting new people, keeping hold of the people that really matter, constantly learning new skills and always having something to do.

And the fact that I don't have a super fantastic life at 27 doesn’t mean that if I don't work at it I won't have one by the time I'm 50 like her. If I carry on like I am, happy to sit at home with a book or the tv in the evening, I won't meet the people I want to fill my life with, but equally if I throw myself into drinking or clubbing I won't necessarily meet people who I actually get on with and who share my general outlook on life. I'm not a party animal and never will be, but I could cope with getting out of the house once in a while.

So I decided to combine one of the "big plans" with a reason to get out there and meet new people. Since my parents moved to Spain three years ago I've been meaning to learn Spanish, getting part of the way with a teach yourself book and then grinding to a halt. I'm fine with self study, but I don't get the conversation practice I need and I don't have the structure to devote a certain amount of time to it each week. So I've signed up for a Spanish course that starts next week, and hopefully this will be the first step in moving on and concentrating on my life rather than my weight.

I'm a bit worried that the course I've signed up for will be a bit basic, but hey, even if it is then I can use it as a way to get back into the habit of studying without having to do it particularly hard!


Blogger kathrynoh said...

What a great idea. I think the reason people tend to freak out when they get close to maintenance because this "hobby" that has taken up their lives is gone.

I'm with you on the drinking and clubbing scene. Even when I was younger I didn't get into that (well not the clubbing anyway).

12:34 PM  
Blogger K said...

Let's see, will this post?

This is a very wise post. Although possibly I just think this because, well, it could have been written by me. I'm 26 and also finding that apart from work and the gym, I don't do enough or meet enough people.

Just this week I've been having that very same thought: that an interesting life is not just going to descend from the clouds. I have to go out and get one.

(I've also been very interested by your previous posts on being single and not having a desire to partner up. For most of my life, that was me too, and back then there was NOBODY who came out and said that could be an acceptable way to feel. I had friends but really couldn't ever imagine wanting to share my life with anyone. The way you write about it is exactly how I felt. I had had a boyfriend, but nothing stirred.

On the other hand, I then fell shatteringly in love with someone, at a time when I wasn't expecting it at all, and fortunately he fell in love with me too and we're getting married next year. I still feel that if I hadn't met him, there wouldn't have been anyone else. Life can be surprising.)

12:37 PM  
Blogger B said...

It's so easy to get completely wrapped up in the weight loss, I know I did. It sounds like you've finally come to the point where your weight loss is no longer the focal point of your life, and learning to live again as a more confidant, self-aware YP is. Congratulations! Good for you for taking some risks and putting yourself back out there!


10:25 PM  

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