Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Pinching myself

I'm having one of those moments tonight, where I suddenly realise what I've done to myself. I'm sitting here typing this wearing size 14 jeans. Knowing that somewhere out there on an island in the Atlantic off North Africa, my sister is sitting there also wearing size 14 jeans, moreover size 14 jeans that I know fit me because I tried them on before she did.

I'm only very marginally bigger than my sister for the first time in my life. As children I always had the size that came with two extra years, and by the time things levelled off as we headed towards adulthood I was well on my way to being heavier. But I'm back, and I have a strange feeling I might be the thin one some day.

That's an amazing realisation. But I know that there's plenty more weight I can lose if I carry on doing this. I can see it, I can hold it, and I know that what I'm doing will get it off. If that happens then I'll pass her and venture into truly unknown territory, for either of us. And I can't believe that it could be me who discovers it first.

I've always been the clever one, she's always been the pretty one. She's not thin, exactly, but she has a lovely figure, which really suits her. She looks damn good, confident, sexy, and I can't believe that the body I look down at and see lots of flab on is almost the same size as the body I've always envied.

And the funny thing is, I feel guilty. Not that we've ever discussed it, but I always accepted my lot, that I was the clever one, she was the pretty one. I didn't compete with her and she didn't compete with me. I'd overshadow each and every one of her academic achievements by going one better as her results came through (the side effect of being 2 years ahead, as she got one set of results through I'd complete something a level or so up, and with better grades), but she'd overshadow me with her popularity, gorgeousness and all that sort of stuff. Just as she never lived up to my academic achievements, I never lived up to what she achieved on a more social level. A less lively social life was the price I paid for the time studying, and I associated that (possibly wrongly) with my fatness and her prettiness.

Anyway, I ramble, but I've always felt less guilty for being better than her at some stuff by reminding myself that she's far thinner than I am. Except she's not now. And I'm starting to feel like it's too selfish to want to be both the clever one AND the thin one. Even though there's tons of stuff she's better than me at, and despite the fact it doesn't really matter. Ingrained habits die hard.

The upside is that I'm going over there soon and in desperate need of some clothes to wear while I'm on holiday. Hmm, wonder where I might find those. Even at the moment people ask me where I got my coat or my jeans and I have to admit they're not mine. I've never done the sisterly clothes swopping thing, but am looking forward to giving it a go!


Blogger B said...

Wow, bet'cha didn't see that one coming, did you? Please don't feel guilty! You can have it all, and so can she. Use this realization as an opportunity to relate to her on a whole new level, and to help her do the same with you. You are sister, you'll love each other through thick and thin (pun intended!) no matter what. Plus, what could beat having a whole other wardrobe right at your disposal?! ;D


8:54 PM  
Blogger kathrynoh said...

That's great and I bet your sister doesn't mind. It can be hard growing up in families where you are designated a role. I only found out after we'd grown up that my sister hated being told how brainy I was, as much as I hated being told how popular she was.

9:25 PM  

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