Wednesday, November 09, 2005

No regrets

When I first started losing weight, or more accurately when I first realised that I needed to lose so much weight, I felt really sorry for myself and hated that I'd put myself in that position, let it get so bad. I realised that I'd spent roughly 10 years, from 16 to 26 being fat, nay obese, and I felt like I'd wasted the prime of my life.

I used to sit and wonder what sort of person I'd have been if I'd been thin during that time. Whether I'd have got better jobs, better friends, different interests, a diffrent life. Would I have been loved, adored? Would I have been gorgeous? I really regretted the fact that I'd never given myself the opportunity to find out.

But as I come further with this, I realise that is all bollocks. I'm me, and I'm still the same person, obese or merely slightly overweight. And I'll be the same person thin. It goes further than that though, I realise that however much being obese may have shaped my life in terms of my interests, personality, and friends, I'm glad it did. I like being me, and if being fat sent me heading towards my books or a quieter life, then I'm happy. I'm interested in who I might have been if I'd been thin, but really it's probably just me in a smaller pair of jeans. It's taken me a long time to realise that I've maybe been attributing things to my body when really it's just me. Why should I be more outgoing? I don't want to be. Fat was an easy excuse, but it's not a real explanation.

I have changed during this process. But do you know what? I think the increased confidence hasn't come from my new body. It's come from the knowledge that I did this, for myself. That's I've achieved something that's actually quite difficult. If I'd never been obese I'd never have had the chance to do this, and to finally get the self-belief that I can do anything I put my mind to. I've met (virtually and in real life) some wonderful people through doing this. At the gym, online, all over the place, and I've learned a lot of things about myself. If I'd never gone through this I might not be as rounded as a person.

Being obese taught me important lessons. I've always had to rely on other qualities rather than being one of those girls who get by in life because they're pretty. I can't imagine always relying on my looks to get what I want, partiularly not as that's always going to be something temporary. Beauty doesn't last, intelligence and personality does. I'm glad that I've achieved everything that I have achieved the hard way.

But do you know the best thing about having been obese? The use of the past tense in that sentence. I'm not going to regret who I was for so long or wish I'd been someone else, but equally, I want to take those lessons and move on to a new thinner phase in my life.


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