Monday, November 28, 2005

The other side of the lens

I'm trying to find myself a new digital camera for Christmas. I'd found one I really like, but by the time I got round to trying to reserve it this evening to pick up tomorrow (pay day) it's out of stock. I think I'll hold on for a while in case it comes back into stock (or I can pick something up in the sales if not). It's meant to be a present from my parents, but I'm sorting it out as I know what I like better than they do.

I like taking photos. When I had another non weight loss related blog, which died a death because I ended up not posting on it, and only keeping this one up to date, I used to post some of my favourite photos every now and then. They were all pictures of places, buildings, scenery. Occasionally animals. But never people. Particularly never me. Of course I post the progress photos from time to time now, but I still very much prefer to be behind the camera rather than in front of it.

I look back, and there are years upon years of my life that just aren't documented with photos. The strange thing is that I remember some being taken, but I can't find them now. There weren't many, but I remember a photo of me at a friend's engagement party when I was 18, a photo of me before a law school ball when I was 21. Not an impressive pictorial history of myself, but rather more than I've been able to find. I sometimes wonder whether my parents have them, or any others, or whether a whole era of my life has lost without being committed to camera.

In one way it's nice not to be confronted by the evidence of what I let myself become, but then I sometimes wonder what I was really like, what I'd think of myself looking back, having sorted out self esteem issues and with a less warped vision of myself. I'm quite sad that I might not get that opportunity.

My mother told me today that she's organising having some family photos taken at Christmas when I'm over in Spain. Because she's not had any taken for a long time, and wants to give them to other family members as presents. The sub-text, as ever, is that she didn't have it done before, because she didn't want to show me off. And now she does. That doesn't make me angry, I wouldn't have wanted to show myself off either, but it does quite starkly illustrate the extent of what I did to myself. I wasn't the sort of person you took photos of and put them in frames.

But I'm looking forward to it now. For the first time ever, I'll be pretty much the same size as my sister (9lb heavier, an inch or two taller, and with a couple of weeks to try to lose a couple of pounds more), and I'll feel worthy of being photographed. You never know, I might even get a copy for myself.

And the new camera might take more photos of me than the previous one too.

And just one more picture to share. This isn't my photo of yesterday, but if you look at the piccies of the day here, and look at the picture of "jumping", you can just about see me. I think I'll make it a little competition to see who spots me first, my number is 2739 and it is (just) readable if you look hard enough. Oh, it might help if you look for someone who looks really uncoordinated...


Blogger MrsDawsondn said...

Oh I saw it!! Great congrats on the race!

1:51 PM  
Blogger chaos said...

I saw you too! That race sounds so fun, congratulations.

6:38 PM  

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