Monday, January 16, 2006

Full Circle

I should have had more faith in the Boots scales. It seems that they were right, and I'm now in the '60s again. The only difference is that this time round it's the 160s rather than the 260s.

First the maths, I've now lost exactly 35% of my starting weight, otherwise known as 91lb or six and a half stone. I'm the grand total of 1lb overweight (or 2 if we go with the slightly shorter Boots height). And I'm in the 160s, did I mention that?

When I started I couldn't possibly imagine what the 160s would be like. It was somewhere I'd never been (or not since my age reached double figures or so), and I had no idea whether I'd ever make it. One reason for that was a kind of denial. I didn't believe that I was actually 100lb overweight, even though the scales said I was. I preferred to think that I could carry my weight very well and that I didn't need to lose that much. I did, of course.

But I just couldn't imagine what the 160s would be like, even if I ever made it. And the funny thing is that now I can't imagine the 260s, while the 160s feel utterly normal. I know that I was 260lb, but I find it harder and harder to remember exactly what it felt like. I know, logically speaking, that my thighs used to chafe, that I was deeply unfit, that I had lots of back fat. But I can't actually visualise 91lb of extra weight on my body. Particularly when I realise that 91lb is more than half of what I currently weigh. Quite a lot more than half, come to think about it.

I suppose part of it is that you don't actually change as much as you think you might, not emotionally. So, from an internal perspective being 169lb is not much different to being 260lb. I'm the same person. Physically, yes there are differences, but the changes are so gradual that you stop noticing them creeping up on you. You forget that you couldn't always see your collar bones or feel your hipbones.

This is good, I think. Part of me wants to remember a detailed and horrific version of being obese to make sure that I don't go back there, but to be honest, it wasn't like that. I wasn't deeply unhappy with my weight, and I wasn't having lots of medical problems, or not yet anyway. But on balance, I'm starting to think that maybe if I block out the fact that I ever was that obese, and get used to thinking that this is normal, then I might stop myself before I get to the point where I was before. It's funny to realise I'd need to put on over 2 stone to even be obese, when it took so many pounds to get down to that level. At the moment it feels like even those extra 2 stone would be an unbearable amount of extra weight, so maybe if I block out the memory of being able to go above that then I won't be tempted to think I was happy there and it wasn't so bad.

It's funny, I spent so long being obese and it really was part of my life. It formed a lot of who I am. And now I can't remember it, and the thought is almost inconceivable.

I can't believe how far I've come.


Blogger Teena said...

You've done amazingly well. Good for you!!

2:18 AM  
Blogger Lainey said...

well done! You've come such a long way and not lost the plot while doing it!

9:27 AM  
Blogger Fatslayer said...

Woohoo, well done YP - you've done absolutely brilliantly, and I'm utterly convinced you're going to be one of the 5% that succeeds in staying in shape in the long term.

You should feel mega proud of yourself!

6:15 PM  
Blogger HotDonna said...

How are you doing now in 2010? It's a hard thing to do and I wish you all the best. (I only just started so I got a long way to go.)

9:31 AM  
Blogger HotDonna said...

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9:33 AM  

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