Friday, January 20, 2006


I've been eating for England this week. It's all healthy stuff, but I'm just getting a big concerned about the frequency and amounts. I just don't seem to be able to cope for more than about 5 or 10 minutes without something in my mouth. It's emotional or boredom eating, it's not hunger, but I keep on doing it.

I start to get mad at myself, as though I've learned nothing in this whole journey.

But that's rubbish, I have. I've learned a hell of a lot. For a start, I know that I'm doing it, which is a start. But also the stuff I'm snacking on is healthy and nutritious. And while it might add unnecessary calories into my diet, it also adds vitamin c and fibre and all sorts of healthy stuff too. I'm snacking on dates, and rye bread and fruit and things like that. I'm not snacking on chocolate and crisps and popcorn and toast and pies. Amongst other things.

When I start to get cross with myself about what I eat, I try to remember that this isn't about being perfect, about reaching unreasonably high standards, or about cutting out every possible indulgence. It's about living daily life, and if it's not perfect, then at least it's better than it was.

But still, I do need to stop the snacking. I still have Christmas chocolates in the house (something like 10800 calories worth at the start, I recall). They have been in the house for over 3 weeks and while they've diminished due to the aforementioned snacking - and yes, I said it wasn't chocolate, what I meant was it's not much chocolate - they weren't polished off in 3 days, and there's still a decent proportion of it left. I need to stop eating it just because it's there, and I need to find something else that keeps my mouth interested without actually eating everything. My current thinking is sugar free gum, if I could get round to buying any.

I can maintain like this, and I might even lose something. But it's not sustainable as a way of life. I just can't go on snacking, and losing control. I need to give myself a big kick up the arse and remember that food doesn't control me, and that I'm the one with the power in this relationship. And I need to do it soon.


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