When I Grow Up

I always seem to start posts "one thing I've learned" or "if there's one thing that's important". Clearly, from the frequency I use these phrases there is far more than one thing I've learned, and lots of little pieces that fit into the slots. But each one of them is important, and because they dawn on me one by one, each one feels like it's the most important revelation yet, so bear with me.

Today's was how grown up and in control I have started to feel. Even though I have a responsible job and a mortgage and I take myself round Europe on holiday, I sometimes feel like there's still just a little kid cowering inside me wondering why no-one's noticed that she's masquerading as an adult. I sometimes just feel utterly naive and inexperienced and lost.

But over the past year or so I've noticed changes. I suddenly realised last week at yoga that I was now doing stuff that my mum used to do when I was little. Not that she did yoga, but she went out to WI in the village hall or did aerobics classes (this was during her short lived thin phase). When my mother was my age she had 2 kids and had had quite a few medical emergencies and operations too, and I sometimes forget how much she'd done by my age. But that's rambling off a little. The thing is, that I'm in control of my life, and it feels all grown up.

I've stopped blaming other people for my failings. I stopped blaming genetics or my parents or what other people feed me for being obese. I realised that whatever my genes mean in terms of my propensity to put on weight if I eat shite, I still have the power not to eat shite, or to exercise,or to make sure that those genes just don't have the chance to hang on to lard. I realised that whatever eating habits I may have picked up while I was growing up, it's up to me what I eat now, and I can't just say I don't like something that I haven't tried for 20 years or more.

I've started taking responsibility for my own actions and following my own dreams and interests. I don't blame other people, or get angry at inanimate objects (not even the scale. Usually), I take a deep breath and I realise that I'm old enough to look after myself, and that I've only got myself to take the blame or the credit.

I've learned so much over this whole process, and it really does seem to have developed who I am, not just how I look. Sometimes I'm grateful I was fat, because if I'd never had to do this I think I'd be a far less rounded person as a result, and I'd have missed out on some fantastic friends and fantastic experiences.