Monday, February 06, 2006


I never realised that 168 would be such a strange sort of limbo. I've been sitting at around this weight for nearly three weeks now, between 168 and 169 most days, and I'm not sure where I'm going with this any more.

168 was a dream weight, and the reality is pretty good. I get compliments daily, hourly sometimes, and yesterday my grandmother said I was thinner than my sister (hah!). I can look in the mirror and like myself, even when I'm wearing tight fitting exercise gear. I'm a normal weight, and I'm fitter than most of the people I know.

But on the other hand, 168 doesn't feel like "it". I can feel fat on my body that I'd like to lose, and I want to get a bit further away from that symbolic dividing line between healthy and overweight. (Further away in the right direction, of course!). I want to get to 100lb lost, and I want to get to a comfortable size 12.

But I don't seem to want to achieve it enough. I'm grazing and snacking and while I'm being fairly good, certainly good enough to maintain my weight loss to date, I'm just not being disciplined enough to actually lose, despite my vastly increased mileage. I'm not being as disciplined as I used to be, as disciplined as I know I can be.

Getting down from 260 was a no-brainer. I knew I had to do it, and I did. But now, it's not as important. It's just a bonus, but still a bonus I want. But is it a bonus that I want that sort of control to get? Do I want to be more careful with what I eat rather than my current eat pretty much what you want but still maintain regime? And, psychologically, am I shying away from getting to 160 because if I do that I won't have a goal to aim for any more. Am I scared of what I'll do if I don't have a goal to aim for?

I'm not going to complain that I've not lost any weight for weeks. I know precisely why that is, and part of me is happy that I can maintain without too much stress at the moment. I know that at this weight not losing weight is nothing to be too worried about. Getting my brain used to that idea is taking some doing, but I do know that it's true. What I'm trying to work out is that, if I know what I need to do, and know how to do it, why can't I actually motivate myself to do it. Why do I keep on putting off the day when I'm not going to snack and nibble until tomorrow?

Maybe this is good. Maybe I need to take a break from losing now. Maybe I should just focus on the half marathon this month. Eat what I need to be able to run at my best rather than risking having low energy because I'm cutting back too drastically. Then after the 26th I have a couple of months before I start the marathon training in earnest. Maybe I should wait for those couple of months before refocussing on loss as opposed to maintenance. But then I don't want to let my bad habits pile up during my maintenance, because I think I can get away with it and not gain.

I need to either go one way or the other. To embrace maintenance for now and not stress about th scale, or stress about the scale but actually take some action to do something about it. The problem is, I'm not sure which yet.


Blogger seema said...

Do you think you may be snacking more because you are running more mileage? Your body may need more fuel.

10:24 PM  

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