Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Sinking In

Every morning when I wake up (and every night before I fall asleep) I find myself feeling my body, both to see if I can notice any fat loss, but also to check that I've not suddenly woken up 95lb heavier and this has all been a dream. Feeling my hip bones as I lie down helps remind me why I set my alarm for 6am and why I really should get out of bed. I also like to feel connected to my body, I ignored it for so long, so it's nice to check that it's still how I left it when I fell asleep.

Recently I've started really realising how skinny I'm getting. Lying in the dark letting my hands do the "seeing" I don't get hung up on how my body looks, and lying helps my stomach feel flatter. It isn't necessarily a 100% accurate representation of how my body hangs when I'm standing up. But still, there's only one thought that springs to mind in my head. It's how tiny I am. Comparatively speaking at least, I'm not sure that tiny is the description that should really spring to mind when you're 5 foot 9 and 11 stone 11!

But quibbles about the use of words aside, I really am starting to come to terms with my (relative) thin-ness. After my shock when I saw myself in the mirror at the gym the other week, there have been increasing numbers of incidents when I've looked in the mirror and seen someone thin looking back. It seems strange to not think of myself as fat, which has been one of the words that has consistently defined me throughout my life. Every morning it feels like a new revelation. Hang on, I'm not fat. And it's still phrased as a negative a lot of the time. I'm not fat, rather than saying I'm thin. But still, at least I say it on a more regular basis, and I'm starting to believe it.

It's been a long journey, and it's nowhere near finished, but I'm finally starting to really believe I've done it.

2 Comments:

Blogger kathrynoh said...

Woohoo - it's great that you feel so positive about yourself (and well you should). I do the same thing in bed... it's amazing, all those bumpy bones.

7:26 AM  
Blogger Shauna said...

i feel kinda stupid that i left a comment awhile back that you should change your blog description where it says 'nowhere near done', coz reading this i get that it's an ongoing thing, really. anyway it's great that you are coming to terms with your new shape... funny how the mind takes a wee bit longer to catch up with the bod :)

11:45 AM  

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