Thursday, February 09, 2006


I really feel like I'm running just to stay still at the moment. Literally, figuratively, financially, emotionally.

On the treadmill you can run for miles without actually going anywhere. Mile after mile of churning belt, running just to stay on it, to stop being thrown off the back onto the floor. Running so as not to admit that you can't keep up, that you want to get off. But there's a stop button, and you can change the speed. You can get off, you can slow down. You don't even need to get on in the first place. I do, of course, but at least I'm in control.

At the moment my whole life seems like one big treadmill, but with one big difference. I don't control the speed, the hills, the duration. And there's no easily accessible, easily pressable stop button. I'm running and running and running, but it just doesn't feel like I'm getting anywhere.

Financially, every time I get anywhere near getting my money under control along comes something to mess the plan up. I'm paying off historical debts slowly but surely, then the car decides to throw a wobbly and up they go again. No matter how much I feel like I'm in a decent job and should be able to afford this stuff, even put some savings aside, I just can't seem to do it. All those little indulgences, Spanish lessons, cheap flights, clothes that don't drown me, I can afford them as long as nothing goes wrong with the car or the house or anything else, but as soon as it does I realise that there's nothing extra in the pot for that rainy day and that maybe I need to sort those priorities out a little. The car is now fixed, but it wasn't cheap. Not cheap at all. Money I didn't really have.

At work I go through quiet spells and busy spells. At the moment the work is just piling up around me, and nothing I seem to do makes much of a dent in the pile. It's one of those times when I feel out of my depth and scared, as though I can't pull the wool over anyone's eyes any longer. A couple of jobs that I can't get my head round and I start to panic about the whole thing. I'm my head above water, but I get more and more scared that I'm going to found out.

Emotionally I just feel like I'm constantly pushing myself on, keeping myself busy, learning Spanish, going to yoga, but not making myself happy. Just making myself tired, so I can come home to an empty house, sleep alone and wake up the next morning to do it all again. I enjoy Spanish, and I enjoy yoga, but I sometimes wonder whether I should just take some time out to relax and not constantly feel like I'm trying to keep myself busy to stop myself getting down.

Half of me is looking forward to the weekend, but the other half asks whether I should just stay at home, because I'm constantly running around trying to find something that I'm not going to find out there. It's not in France and it's not in Spain. It's not on the A1 in the middle of the night. Rationally, I know I'll have a great time, but it won't change anything here, and my life will still be waiting for me when I get back.

You may have gathered from this that I'm still going through the shitty mood from the past few days. I know, rationally, that my life is nowhere near as bad as I make out in my low moments, and I know that I'm very lucky to be able to do this stuff. But still, these feelings aren't something I enjoy, and I really wish I could snap out of it. I do't want to be sitting here feeling sorry for myself, I want to be enjoying my life, and enjoying what I'm lucky enough to be able to do.

I really hope that the prevailing gloom raises soon. Maybe a good run in the morning will help to shift it.


Blogger Jessi said...

It sounds like you need some rest! I'm like you in that I really love to be busy, but I've also learned that I have to schedule in down-time as well. Maybe you could do something cheap and relaxing like soak in the bath and read library books?

10:50 PM  

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