Friday, March 03, 2006


So much for balance, I can do so much, blah blah blah. Today I decided that I wasn't going to go to the rugby because of the weather, and I've got a blissful night in (together with wine and healthy food), but that's the point, it was my decision.

In the past I would go to every game. If I didn't go, it would be because I tried but couldn't manage it. Today I looked out of the window at work and decided that, even though the game was on and the snow wasn't that bad, that I didn't want to go. I didn't want to struggle over the M62 in worse than normal traffic, and I didn't want to stand outside in horribly cold weather. (How pathetic are we English, I bet this weather would be barely noticeable in lots of places).

For years rugby was the "thing I did". I've always been a bit of a loner, and I haven't fitted in too well. But in a crowd, at a game, I could join in with the swelling emotions and chants, and I could feel like I belonged. I could feel like my size and my personality weren't an issue, that I was joined with several thousand people in wanting one thing, a victory. Rugby made me feel like I was part of something, it made me feel like I belonged.

But recently that feeling has been receding. I still enjoy watching rugby, I enjoy being there. But it's not something that defines who I am any more. I have other things about me that define me far more than that. I feel like I belong in the world without having to immerse myself in a crowd, or go to every game I can physically get to.

I have other things now that I balance the rugby with. Running and Spanish and staying sane, stuff like that. Rugby is no longer the only thing that people know about me, and it's no longer the only thing that matters to me.

I was sitting at work earlier today and I actually found myself writing a list of pros and cons to decide whether I should go to the game or not. On the don't go side were all sorts of sensible things, like the fact it was cold, snowy, I would save money, I could listen on the radio. And to persuade me to go? Because "that was my thing". But it isn't any more. I have lots of things. And importantly I have things that involve me doing rather than me watching

I run, I work out, I lift. I don't just watch other people with a burger in hand. Rugby is still a part of my life, but it doesn't define it any more. And I'm glad about that.


Blogger Isabelle said...

I've been reading your blog for some months, enjoying your writing and admiring your amazing achievements. Just thought I'd say hello. It was a relief to read that you thought your life was busy, since I had been wondering how you fitted it all in. I look forward to your account of the Berlin marathon; I'm sure you'll do it.

11:53 PM  
Blogger evan said...

Have you ever thought about playing You sound like you can do a lot

4:21 AM  

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