Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Revelation

I had a sudden moment of clarity earlier. Since I got to the 100lb lost point I've been feeling surprisingly down on myself a lot of the time. I've been going through bingeing spells where I stand in the kitchen shovelling food into my mouth. I don't tend to talk about the bad times on here, even in the anonymity of cyberspace I prefer to keep some things to myself, to maintain the illusion of someone who's always in control and smiley and happy and doing this the right way.

It isn't always like that, believe me, and what I don't say is sometimes far more important than what I do say. I can only type this today because I'm having a good day. When I'm having a bad day, I think that if no-one knows it won't make any difference.

They're not major binges, but I don't feel in control at all. I feel like food still has far too much control over me, and that I haven't learned a thing.

Since I hit 160 I've been feeling this more and more frequently. I still have good days, but I notice the bad days more. Is it because I've let myself relax too much? Possibly, but I think there's something else behind it.

No matter how often I tell myself "it's all about health and fitness and good things that aren't necessarily linked to weight loss goals", the fact is that the fact I've been losing weight has masked some of the grubby stuff under the surface. If I ate too much, well, that wasn't a huge problem because I still lost a pound. If I had a bad day, it was still better than it was before, and the weight still came off with the exercise.

But now there aren't weight loss goals any more, and I really, truly am focussing on my behaviour I realise how my weight loss has clouded my understanding of how I eat. I realise that it's not OK to just stand with a bag of muesli eating spoonful after spoonful out of the packet. Or raid the nuts and seeds and dried fruit and eat mindlessly. Just because I do enough exercise not to gain weight doesn't mean that I should eat if I'm not hungry.

I realise that I don't just want to be thinner and fitter. I want to be in control, and not just an emotional eater who got lucky with sport. I want balance and moderation and control.

Control, control, control.

Today has been a good day. Yesterday wasn't bad. But I know there will be more bad days to come, and I know that I will have to deal with them. At least now I've sorted out my feelings a bit I know what I need to do, and I'll try not to sweep it under the carpet any more.

3 Comments:

Blogger weekend weigh in said...

I guess I'm still at the point of "any eating pattern is ok as long as I'm losing weight" but you've given me something to think about. I'm not qualified to give you any advice whatsoever on eating (!!) but I do hope you get where you want to get to re food habits. Thanks for the yoghurt dish recipe also.

4:10 AM  
Blogger Mal said...

I have been reading your blog for a couple of months and you have been something of an inspiration. I know this probably doesn't help, but this post inspires me even more. I'm just beginning my weight loss/fitness journey again, and I'm trying hard not to get caught up in gimmicks just modify my life. And I am relieved to hear that you struggle with some of the same issues, but have been wildly successful. Please know that you are not alone.

2:30 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

Thanks for posting this. I think it's really important for me to hear that this isn't Happily Ever After. I hope to maintain a large weight loss and want a realistic picture of what I might face.

I have started to realize that I may need conscious control for the rest of my life.

12:59 PM  

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