The Old Insecurities

Over 10 years on, it's so easy to get back into that old, schoolgirl frame of mind, where I wasn't good enough, or thin enough, or pretty enough, to feel like I would ever fit in. Even now I'm a different person, and so are the people I knew at school, I wonder how they think of me. If they ever think of me. What images my name conjures up.

This was recently brought to a head by Facebook. I'd been quietly keeping up with people on Friends Reunited for a few years, but on Facebook you have to request that you're added as a friend. And the person you can ask can say no.

I know that, realistically, just because you're someone's "friend" on there it doesn't matter whether you were ever particularly close, or whether you've seen each other in the last decade, but I still got those cold sweats when pressing the button for the first time. What if they don't want to add me? What if they don't even remember me? Which would be worse, remembering me and actively rejecting me, or falling into a gap in their memory?

I've never been good at keeping in touch with people, and I wondered whether now was the time to start, but you know, it's actually been really fun. I've emailed people I haven't spoken to for years, and realised that maybe I wasn't such a freak at school after all, and that maybe people are interested in catching up with my news.

I also realised that I've got rather more friends than I realised (and that's just those who are on facebook). I'm not one of those people who have hundreds, but of the friends I've added, I do hear from or see a fair proportion of them on a regular basis. Sometimes it takes seeing a list to realise that.

Anyway, I'm just glad that work have banned access as it could all get far too addictive...