6 weeks on

Yesterday it was part 2 of the funeral. Having had the funeral service and cremation, it was time to bury the casket with grandma's ashes in, so it was back to Abram church for another service. (Incidentally, I realised that of my first 3 days holiday this year, two of them involve church services - not bad considering before December I hadn't been to a church service since a carol service in 1998!)

I hadn't actually realised how much the whole thing had hit me back in December until I was able to compare how much emotionally stronger I feel now than I did then. I managed to get through the service without crying, and I managed to get through lunch without attacking the buffet as though I'd never seen food before. I even managed conversation instead of just shovelling food into my mouth. I actually realised that I was coming out of that long dark tunnel at last. I'm not there yet, I still have moments where I feel down, but I'm getting there.

I think part of it is the fact that I've got my life back again. I've fallen back into a marathon training plan, which is going pretty well at the moment, and has given me some structure back again. I have free evenings and weekends which I have spent having days out and going to the cinema. I've met up with friends I haven't seen for months. I can make plans more than a day in advance without feeling like they might need to change at any minute. Even my evenings seem longer (and I've just realised why - it's because I don't spend them on the phone discussing the developments of the day).

I've even finally got round to one of the things I've been vaguely promising myself since I first hit goal. Admittedly it's only happening because it's part of Annette's hen do, but I'm finally going to a spa for some pampering. I always baulk slightly at the cost, it always seems a lot of money to be spending on myself without having anything tangible to take away, but my little sister is only (hopefully!) going to get married once so I don't want to be whingeing about money for her hen do.

The stupid thing is that I'm still worrying about my body and revealing a part of it for treatment, but it's not anything to do with stripping down to my undies for a massage. No, it's the fact that the hen party package includes a pedicure, and my feet are made for running not for tarting up. Not least because while I'm there I'm planning to use some of the relaxation/sitting around time to hop on a treadmill and get a run in, because it will be my only chance during the weekend, so either the pedicure will involve feet "fresh" from a run, or the run will involve wrecking the newly pampered feet!