Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Failure?

My other reason for feeling a bit self-pitying at the moment is the car thing. I've made my decision (although I've not actually committed myself to ordering it yet - the appointment is made for Saturday though), and looking at it logically, I know that it's the sensible thing to do.

But every time I walk into the house, my bike looks at me and reminds me of the high hopes I had last year.

I really wanted being car free to work. I had a stupidly optimistic belief that public transport, cycling and the occasional hire car would be the answer to my prayers. I would whizz in and out of work on my bike, racing past the queuing traffic and gaining quads of steel. The sun would always shine, and it would never be so windy that I could barely stay upright, let alone get any forward momentum. I wouldn't be shamed into admitting that I can run home faster than I can cycle the same route. I would enjoy the mile walks to and from the bus stop, and the extra exercise that involved.

But I don't, and part of me is beating the rest of me up about that. I can't even ride a bike well enough to be able to do a 5 mile commute. Since about November I've probably commuted on the bike twice. The rest of the time it just sits there, staring at me, reminding me how crap I am at cycling.

Although when I get the car, I'm planning to leave it at home one day a week, that day will be used to run to work, not to cycle. All dreams of doing a triathlon have hit a huge reality check. I'm just not a cyclist. I don't find it easy, I'm not particularly confident in traffic, and when I take the bike to work I spend the whole day dreading the ride home. Even though I know I can't be good at everything, it still annoys me that cycling is one of the things I'm not good at.

I wish that I could have made being car free work, I really do. Buying a car emphasises the fact that I couldn't. I don't know why I don't give myself credit for at least trying, for sticking it out as long as I have, and for still being prepared to wait a couple of months for the right car to be available, rather than simply jumping at something I can drive away today, but I don't.

Sorry, I'm just wallowing.

2 Comments:

Blogger kathrynoh said...

OMG, you run faster than you cycle? Me too - and I don't even run fast! I'm glad there's someone else out there.

I find riding scary, I hardly ever risk riding on the road and keep to the bike paths and even that's freaky, what with kids and dogs and loonies around the place.

12:11 AM  
Blogger K said...

We all have our strengths. I cycle to work, but I've only got about three miles to go, and I've been cycling in traffic fairly frequently since I was 18 and therefore immortal. And I live somewhere with lots of cycle lanes. (And I only work three days a week!) Circumstances count for a lot.

On the other hand, I can't drive, and I've never run for longer than half an hour without stopping. Both of which would probably come in handier, to be honest.

You are a person who travels, and I'm sure you'll get way more out of having the option of a car than you would from the purported benefits of cycling. And you won't get so wet and oily and windblown!

8:36 PM  

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